He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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