totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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