look no pants
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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