man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
