Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
