Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
