i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
