Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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