Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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