weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
