our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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