Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
