I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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