I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
