you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
