Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
