I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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