I wish I could punch you in the face.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
