Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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