: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize