Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
