Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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