Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.