Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to jail i love you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Randomize
