Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
