dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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