Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
