you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
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You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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