So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
