so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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