i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
