We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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