i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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