the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
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Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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