this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
