i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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