I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Drunk is not a location!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
