at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
