I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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