im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
