Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
