No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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