Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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