My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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