well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
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Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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