I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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