3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
