I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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