im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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