I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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