It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
