Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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