even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
