wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
