Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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