i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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