You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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